{"id":"01KJR8Q6G2GT6VQ3TMCDYZ71CK","cid":"bafkreigxmecnal7nnkbhg52g5f46to3jobob6yfjx465id7bk7tkgkpp4m","type":"text_chunk","properties":{"char_end":435068,"char_start":427217,"chunk_index":60,"chunk_total":89,"estimated_tokens":1963,"source_file_key":"confessions","text":"it be so with me, I know not. For herein I know less of myself than of\r\nThee. I beseech now, O my God, discover to me myself also, that I may\r\nconfess unto my brethren, who are to pray for me, wherein I find myself\r\nmaimed. Let me examine myself again more diligently. If in my praise I\r\nam moved with the good of my neighbour, why am I less moved if another\r\nbe unjustly dispraised than if it be myself? Why am I more stung by\r\nreproach cast upon myself, than at that cast upon another, with the\r\nsame injustice, before me? Know I not this also? or is it at last that I\r\ndeceive myself, and do not the truth before Thee in my heart and tongue?\r\nThis madness put far from me, O Lord, lest mine own mouth be to me the\r\nsinner's oil to make fat my head. I am poor and needy; yet best, while\r\nin hidden groanings I displease myself, and seek Thy mercy, until what\r\nis lacking in my defective state be renewed and perfected, on to that\r\npeace which the eye of the proud knoweth not.\r\n\r\nYet the word which cometh out of the mouth, and deeds known to men,\r\nbring with them a most dangerous temptation through the love of praise:\r\nwhich, to establish a certain excellency of our own, solicits and\r\ncollects men's suffrages. It tempts, even when it is reproved by myself\r\nin myself, on the very ground that it is reproved; and often glories\r\nmore vainly of the very contempt of vain-glory; and so it is no longer\r\ncontempt of vain-glory, whereof it glories; for it doth not contemn when\r\nit glorieth.\r\n\r\nWithin also, within is another evil, arising out of a like temptation;\r\nwhereby men become vain, pleasing themselves in themselves, though they\r\nplease not, or displease or care not to please others. But pleasing\r\nthemselves, they much displease Thee, not only taking pleasure in things\r\nnot good, as if good, but in Thy good things, as though their own; or\r\neven if as Thine, yet as though for their own merits; or even if as\r\nthough from Thy grace, yet not with brotherly rejoicing, but envying\r\nthat grace to others. In all these and the like perils and travails,\r\nThou seest the trembling of my heart; and I rather feel my wounds to be\r\ncured by Thee, than not inflicted by me.\r\n\r\nWhere hast Thou not walked with me, O Truth, teaching me what to beware,\r\nand what to desire; when I referred to Thee what I could discover\r\nhere below, and consulted Thee? With my outward senses, as I might, I\r\nsurveyed the world, and observed the life, which my body hath from me,\r\nand these my senses. Thence entered I the recesses of my memory, those\r\nmanifold and spacious chambers, wonderfully furnished with innumerable\r\nstores; and I considered, and stood aghast; being able to discern\r\nnothing of these things without Thee, and finding none of them to be\r\nThee. Nor was I myself, who found out these things, who went over them\r\nall, and laboured to distinguish and to value every thing according\r\nto its dignity, taking some things upon the report of my senses,\r\nquestioning about others which I felt to be mingled with myself,\r\nnumbering and distinguishing the reporters themselves, and in the large\r\ntreasure-house of my memory revolving some things, storing up others,\r\ndrawing out others. Nor yet was I myself when I did this, i.e., that my\r\npower whereby I did it, neither was it Thou, for Thou art the abiding\r\nlight, which I consulted concerning all these, whether they were,\r\nwhat they were, and how to be valued; and I heard Thee directing and\r\ncommanding me; and this I often do, this delights me, and as far as I\r\nmay be freed from necessary duties, unto this pleasure have I recourse.\r\nNor in all these which I run over consulting Thee can I find any safe\r\nplace for my soul, but in Thee; whither my scattered members may\r\nbe gathered, and nothing of me depart from Thee. And sometimes Thou\r\nadmittest me to an affection, very unusual, in my inmost soul; rising to\r\na strange sweetness, which if it were perfected in me, I know not what\r\nin it would not belong to the life to come. But through my miserable\r\nencumbrances I sink down again into these lower things, and am swept\r\nback by former custom, and am held, and greatly weep, but am greatly\r\nheld. So much doth the burden of a bad custom weigh us down. Here I can\r\nstay, but would not; there I would, but cannot; both ways, miserable.\r\n\r\nThus then have I considered the sicknesses of my sins in that threefold\r\nconcupiscence, and have called Thy right hand to my help. For with a\r\nwounded heart have I beheld Thy brightness, and stricken back I said,\r\n\"Who can attain thither? I am cast away from the sight of Thine eyes.\"\r\nThou art the Truth who presidest over all, but I through my covetousness\r\nwould not indeed forego Thee, but would with Thee possess a lie; as no\r\nman would in such wise speak falsely, as himself to be ignorant of the\r\ntruth. So then I lost Thee, because Thou vouchsafest not to be possessed\r\nwith a lie.\r\n\r\nWhom could I find to reconcile me to Thee? was I to have recourse to\r\nAngels? by what prayers? by what sacraments? Many endeavouring to return\r\nunto Thee, and of themselves unable, have, as I hear, tried this, and\r\nfallen into the desire of curious visions, and been accounted worthy\r\nto be deluded. For they, being high minded, sought Thee by the pride of\r\nlearning, swelling out rather than smiting upon their breasts, and so\r\nby the agreement of their heart, drew unto themselves the princes of the\r\nair, the fellow-conspirators of their pride, by whom, through magical\r\ninfluences, they were deceived, seeking a mediator, by whom they might\r\nbe purged, and there was none. For the devil it was, transforming\r\nhimself into an Angel of light. And it much enticed proud flesh, that he\r\nhad no body of flesh. For they were mortal, and sinners; but thou, Lord,\r\nto whom they proudly sought to be reconciled, art immortal, and without\r\nsin. But a mediator between God and man must have something like to God,\r\nsomething like to men; lest being in both like to man, he should be\r\nfar from God: or if in both like God, too unlike man: and so not be a\r\nmediator. That deceitful mediator then, by whom in Thy secret judgments\r\npride deserved to be deluded, hath one thing in common with man, that\r\nis sin; another he would seem to have in common with God; and not being\r\nclothed with the mortality of flesh, would vaunt himself to be immortal.\r\nBut since the wages of sin is death, this hath he in common with men,\r\nthat with them he should be condemned to death.\r\n\r\nBut the true Mediator, Whom in Thy secret mercy Thou hast showed to the\r\nhumble, and sentest, that by His example also they might learn that\r\nsame humility, that Mediator between God and man, the Man Christ Jesus,\r\nappeared betwixt mortal sinners and the immortal just One; mortal with\r\nmen, just with God: that because the wages of righteousness is life and\r\npeace, He might by a righteousness conjoined with God make void that\r\ndeath of sinners, now made righteous, which He willed to have in common\r\nwith them. Hence He was showed forth to holy men of old; that so they,\r\nthrough faith in His Passion to come, as we through faith of it passed,\r\nmight be saved. For as Man, He was a Mediator; but as the Word, not in\r\nthe middle between God and man, because equal to God, and God with God,\r\nand together one God.\r\n\r\nHow hast Thou loved us, good Father, who sparedst not Thine only Son,\r\nbut deliveredst Him up for us ungodly! How hast Thou loved us, for whom\r\nHe that thought it no robbery to be equal with Thee, was made subject\r\neven to the death of the cross, He alone, free among the dead, having\r\npower to lay down His life, and power to take it again: for us to Thee\r\nboth Victor and Victim, and therefore Victor, because the Victim; for\r\nus to Thee Priest and Sacrifice, and therefore Priest because the\r\nSacrifice; making us to Thee, of servants, sons by being born of Thee,\r\nand serving 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