{"id":"01KJR8Q6G23DDYNDS35X0H6TZM","cid":"bafkreieimbat4b4ebbfwzzrv5xda55grzoowasdjuf5dppyprk4axkhn3q","type":"text_chunk","properties":{"char_end":427968,"char_start":420102,"chunk_index":59,"chunk_total":89,"estimated_tokens":1967,"source_file_key":"confessions","text":"sitting at home, a lizard catching flies, or a spider entangling them\r\nrushing into her nets, oft-times takes my attention? Is the thing\r\ndifferent, because they are but small creatures? I go on from them to\r\npraise Thee the wonderful Creator and Orderer of all, but this does not\r\nfirst draw my attention. It is one thing to rise quickly, another not\r\nto fall. And of such things is my life full; and my one hope is Thy\r\nwonderful great mercy. For when our heart becomes the receptacle of such\r\nthings, and is overcharged with throngs of this abundant vanity, then\r\nare our prayers also thereby often interrupted and distracted, and\r\nwhilst in Thy presence we direct the voice of our heart to Thine ears,\r\nthis so great concern is broken off by the rushing in of I know not what\r\nidle thoughts. Shall we then account this also among things of slight\r\nconcernment, or shall aught bring us back to hope, save Thy complete\r\nmercy, since Thou hast begun to change us?\r\n\r\nAnd Thou knowest how far Thou hast already changed me, who first\r\nhealedst me of the lust of vindicating myself, that so Thou mightest\r\nforgive all the rest of my iniquities, and heal all my infirmities,\r\nand redeem life from corruption, and crown me with mercy and pity, and\r\nsatisfy my desire with good things: who didst curb my pride with Thy\r\nfear, and tame my neck to Thy yoke. And now I bear it and it is light\r\nunto me, because so hast Thou promised, and hast made it; and verily so\r\nit was, and I knew it not, when I feared to take it.\r\n\r\nBut, O Lord, Thou alone Lord without pride, because Thou art the only\r\ntrue Lord, who hast no lord; hath this third kind of temptation also\r\nceased from me, or can it cease through this whole life? To wish,\r\nnamely, to be feared and loved of men, for no other end, but that we\r\nmay have a joy therein which is no joy? A miserable life this and a foul\r\nboastfulness! Hence especially it comes that men do neither purely love\r\nnor fear Thee. And therefore dost Thou resist the proud, and givest\r\ngrace to the humble: yea, Thou thunderest down upon the ambitions of the\r\nworld, and the foundations of the mountains tremble. Because now certain\r\noffices of human society make it necessary to be loved and feared of\r\nmen, the adversary of our true blessedness layeth hard at us, every\r\nwhere spreading his snares of \"well-done, well-done\"; that greedily\r\ncatching at them, we may be taken unawares, and sever our joy from Thy\r\ntruth, and set it in the deceivingness of men; and be pleased at being\r\nloved and feared, not for Thy sake, but in Thy stead: and thus having\r\nbeen made like him, he may have them for his own, not in the bands of\r\ncharity, but in the bonds of punishment: who purposed to set his throne\r\nin the north, that dark and chilled they might serve him, pervertedly\r\nand crookedly imitating Thee. But we, O Lord, behold we are Thy little\r\nflock; possess us as Thine, stretch Thy wings over us, and let us fly\r\nunder them. Be Thou our glory; let us be loved for Thee, and Thy word\r\nfeared in us. Who would be praised of men when Thou blamest, will not be\r\ndefended of men when Thou judgest; nor delivered when Thou condemnest.\r\nBut when--not the sinner is praised in the desires of his soul, nor he\r\nblessed who doth ungodlily, but--a man is praised for some gift which\r\nThou hast given him, and he rejoices more at the praise for himself than\r\nthat he hath the gift for which he is praised, he also is praised, while\r\nThou dispraisest; better is he who praised than he who is praised. For\r\nthe one took pleasure in the gift of God in man; the other was better\r\npleased with the gift of man, than of God.\r\n\r\nBy these temptations we are assailed daily, O Lord; without ceasing are\r\nwe assailed. Our daily furnace is the tongue of men. And in this way\r\nalso Thou commandest us continence. Give what Thou enjoinest, and enjoin\r\nwhat Thou wilt. Thou knowest on this matter the groans of my heart, and\r\nthe floods of mine eyes. For I cannot learn how far I am more cleansed\r\nfrom this plague, and I much fear my secret sins, which Thine eyes know,\r\nmine do not. For in other kinds of temptations I have some sort of means\r\nof examining myself; in this, scarce any. For, in refraining my mind\r\nfrom the pleasures of the flesh and idle curiosity, I see how much I\r\nhave attained to, when I do without them; foregoing, or not having them.\r\nFor then I ask myself how much more or less troublesome it is to me not\r\nto have them? Then, riches, which are desired, that they may serve to\r\nsome one or two or all of the three concupiscences, if the soul cannot\r\ndiscern whether, when it hath them, it despiseth them, they may be\r\ncast aside, that so it may prove itself. But to be without praise,\r\nand therein essay our powers, must we live ill, yea so abandonedly and\r\natrociously, that no one should know without detesting us? What greater\r\nmadness can be said or thought of? But if praise useth and ought to\r\naccompany a good life and good works, we ought as little to forego its\r\ncompany, as good life itself. Yet I know not whether I can well or ill\r\nbe without anything, unless it be absent.\r\n\r\nWhat then do I confess unto Thee in this kind of temptation, O Lord?\r\nWhat, but that I am delighted with praise, but with truth itself, more\r\nthan with praise? For were it proposed to me, whether I would, being\r\nfrenzied in error on all things, be praised by all men, or being\r\nconsistent and most settled in the truth be blamed by all, I see which\r\nI should choose. Yet fain would I that the approbation of another should\r\nnot even increase my joy for any good in me. Yet I own, it doth increase\r\nit, and not so only, but dispraise doth diminish it. And when I am\r\ntroubled at this my misery, an excuse occurs to me, which of what value\r\nit is, Thou God knowest, for it leaves me uncertain. For since Thou hast\r\ncommanded us not continency alone, that is, from what things to refrain\r\nour love, but righteousness also, that is, whereon to bestow it, and\r\nhast willed us to love not Thee only, but our neighbour also; often,\r\nwhen pleased with intelligent praise, I seem to myself to be pleased\r\nwith the proficiency or towardliness of my neighbour, or to be grieved\r\nfor evil in him, when I hear him dispraise either what he understands\r\nnot, or is good. For sometimes I am grieved at my own praise, either\r\nwhen those things be praised in me, in which I mislike myself, or even\r\nlesser and slight goods are more esteemed than they ought. But again how\r\nknow I whether I am therefore thus affected, because I would not have\r\nhim who praiseth me differ from me about myself; not as being influenced\r\nby concern for him, but because those same good things which please me\r\nin myself, please me more when they please another also? For some how I\r\nam not praised when my judgment of myself is not praised; forasmuch\r\nas either those things are praised, which displease me; or those more,\r\nwhich please me less. Am I then doubtful of myself in this matter?\r\n\r\nBehold, in Thee, O Truth, I see that I ought not to be moved at my own\r\npraises, for my own sake, but for the good of my neighbour. And whether\r\nit be so with me, I know not. For herein I know less of myself than of\r\nThee. I beseech now, O my God, discover to me myself also, that I may\r\nconfess unto my brethren, who are to pray for me, wherein I find myself\r\nmaimed. Let me examine myself again more diligently. If in my praise I\r\nam moved with the good of my neighbour, why am I less moved if another\r\nbe unjustly dispraised than if it be myself? Why am I more stung by\r\nreproach cast upon myself, than at that cast upon another, with the\r\nsame injustice, before me? Know I not this also? or is it at last that I\r\ndeceive myself, and do not the truth before Thee in my heart and tongue?\r\nThis madness put far from me, O Lord, lest mine own mouth be to me the\r\nsinner's oil to make fat my 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