{"id":"01KJR8Q6DGMD0HF4WJGHEG7S37","cid":"bafkreiannt3pahfcfporwuxxap5qykrzpqwrxwy5guap4puihcvq6wnlme","type":"text_chunk","properties":{"char_end":285449,"char_start":277463,"chunk_index":39,"chunk_total":89,"estimated_tokens":1997,"source_file_key":"confessions","text":"Antony. This one of them began to read, admire, and kindle at it; and\r\nas he read, to meditate on taking up such a life, and giving over his\r\nsecular service to serve Thee. And these two were of those whom they\r\nstyle agents for the public affairs. Then suddenly, filled with a holy\r\nlove, and a sober shame, in anger with himself cast his eyes upon his\r\nfriend, saying, \"Tell me, I pray thee, what would we attain by all these\r\nlabours of ours? what aim we at? what serve we for? Can our hopes in\r\ncourt rise higher than to be the Emperor's favourites? and in this, what\r\nis there not brittle, and full of perils? and by how many perils arrive\r\nwe at a greater peril? and when arrive we thither? But a friend of God,\r\nif I wish it, I become now at once.\" So spake he. And in pain with the\r\ntravail of a new life, he turned his eyes again upon the book, and\r\nread on, and was changed inwardly, where Thou sawest, and his mind was\r\nstripped of the world, as soon appeared. For as he read, and rolled up\r\nand down the waves of his heart, he stormed at himself a while, then\r\ndiscerned, and determined on a better course; and now being Thine, said\r\nto his friend, \"Now have I broken loose from those our hopes, and am\r\nresolved to serve God; and this, from this hour, in this place, I begin\r\nupon. If thou likest not to imitate me, oppose not.\" The other answered,\r\nhe would cleave to him, to partake so glorious a reward, so glorious\r\na service. Thus both being now Thine, were building the tower at the\r\nnecessary cost, the forsaking all that they had, and following Thee.\r\nThen Pontitianus and the other with him, that had walked in other parts\r\nof the garden, came in search of them to the same place; and finding\r\nthem, reminded them to return, for the day was now far spent. But they\r\nrelating their resolution and purpose, and how that will was begun and\r\nsettled in them, begged them, if they would not join, not to molest\r\nthem. But the others, though nothing altered from their former selves,\r\ndid yet bewail themselves (as he affirmed), and piously congratulated\r\nthem, recommending themselves to their prayers; and so, with hearts\r\nlingering on the earth, went away to the palace. But the other two,\r\nfixing their heart on heaven, remained in the cottage. And both had\r\naffianced brides, who when they heard hereof, also dedicated their\r\nvirginity unto God.\r\n\r\nSuch was the story of Pontitianus; but Thou, O Lord, while he was\r\nspeaking, didst turn me round towards myself, taking me from behind my\r\nback where I had placed me, unwilling to observe myself; and setting\r\nme before my face, that I might see how foul I was, how crooked and\r\ndefiled, bespotted and ulcerous. And I beheld and stood aghast; and\r\nwhither to flee from myself I found not. And if I sought to turn mine\r\neye from off myself, he went on with his relation, and Thou again didst\r\nset me over against myself, and thrustedst me before my eyes, that I\r\nmight find out mine iniquity, and hate it. I had known it, but made as\r\nthough I saw it not, winked at it, and forgot it.\r\n\r\nBut now, the more ardently I loved those whose healthful affections I\r\nheard of, that they had resigned themselves wholly to Thee to be cured,\r\nthe more did I abhor myself, when compared with them. For many of my\r\nyears (some twelve) had now run out with me since my nineteenth, when,\r\nupon the reading of Cicero's Hortensius, I was stirred to an earnest\r\nlove of wisdom; and still I was deferring to reject mere earthly\r\nfelicity, and give myself to search out that, whereof not the finding\r\nonly, but the very search, was to be preferred to the treasures and\r\nkingdoms of the world, though already found, and to the pleasures of the\r\nbody, though spread around me at my will. But I wretched, most wretched,\r\nin the very commencement of my early youth, had begged chastity of Thee,\r\nand said, \"Give me chastity and continency, only not yet.\" For I feared\r\nlest Thou shouldest hear me soon, and soon cure me of the disease\r\nof concupiscence, which I wished to have satisfied, rather than\r\nextinguished. And I had wandered through crooked ways in a sacrilegious\r\nsuperstition, not indeed assured thereof, but as preferring it to the\r\nothers which I did not seek religiously, but opposed maliciously.\r\n\r\nAnd I had thought that I therefore deferred from day to day to reject\r\nthe hopes of this world, and follow Thee only, because there did not\r\nappear aught certain, whither to direct my course. And now was the day\r\ncome wherein I was to be laid bare to myself, and my conscience was\r\nto upbraid me. \"Where art thou now, my tongue? Thou saidst that for an\r\nuncertain truth thou likedst not to cast off the baggage of vanity; now,\r\nit is certain, and yet that burden still oppresseth thee, while they who\r\nneither have so worn themselves out with seeking it, nor for often years\r\nand more have been thinking thereon, have had their shoulders lightened,\r\nand received wings to fly away.\" Thus was I gnawed within, and\r\nexceedingly confounded with a horrible shame, while Pontitianus was so\r\nspeaking. And he having brought to a close his tale and the business\r\nhe came for, went his way; and I into myself. What said I not against\r\nmyself? with what scourges of condemnation lashed I not my soul, that it\r\nmight follow me, striving to go after Thee! Yet it drew back; refused,\r\nbut excused not itself. All arguments were spent and confuted; there\r\nremained a mute shrinking; and she feared, as she would death, to be\r\nrestrained from the flux of that custom, whereby she was wasting to\r\ndeath.\r\n\r\nThen in this great contention of my inward dwelling, which I had\r\nstrongly raised against my soul, in the chamber of my heart, troubled in\r\nmind and countenance, I turned upon Alypius. \"What ails us?\" I exclaim:\r\n\"what is it? what heardest thou? The unlearned start up and take heaven\r\nby force, and we with our learning, and without heart, lo, where we\r\nwallow in flesh and blood! Are we ashamed to follow, because others\r\nare gone before, and not ashamed not even to follow?\" Some such words I\r\nuttered, and my fever of mind tore me away from him, while he, gazing on\r\nme in astonishment, kept silence. For it was not my wonted tone; and my\r\nforehead, cheeks, eyes, colour, tone of voice, spake my mind more than\r\nthe words I uttered. A little garden there was to our lodging, which we\r\nhad the use of, as of the whole house; for the master of the house, our\r\nhost, was not living there. Thither had the tumult of my breast hurried\r\nme, where no man might hinder the hot contention wherein I had engaged\r\nwith myself, until it should end as Thou knewest, I knew not. Only I\r\nwas healthfully distracted and dying, to live; knowing what evil thing I\r\nwas, and not knowing what good thing I was shortly to become. I retired\r\nthen into the garden, and Alypius, on my steps. For his presence did not\r\nlessen my privacy; or how could he forsake me so disturbed? We sate down\r\nas far removed as might be from the house. I was troubled in spirit,\r\nmost vehemently indignant that I entered not into Thy will and covenant,\r\nO my God, which all my bones cried out unto me to enter, and praised it\r\nto the skies. And therein we enter not by ships, or chariots, or feet,\r\nno, move not so far as I had come from the house to that place where we\r\nwere sitting. For, not to go only, but to go in thither was nothing else\r\nbut to will to go, but to will resolutely and thoroughly; not to turn\r\nand toss, this way and that, a maimed and half-divided will, struggling,\r\nwith one part sinking as another rose.\r\n\r\nLastly, in the very fever of my irresoluteness, I made with my body many\r\nsuch motions as men sometimes would, but cannot, if either they have not\r\nthe limbs, or these be bound with bands, weakened with infirmity, or\r\nany other way hindered. Thus, if I tore my hair, beat my forehead, if\r\nlocking my fingers I clasped my knee; I willed, I did it. But I might\r\nhave willed, and not done it; if the power of motion in my limbs had not\r\nobeyed."},"relationships":[{"peer":"01KJR8NK5DAD726FMQ6JCHGZ5R","peer_label":"confessions","peer_type":"text","predicate":"derived_from"},{"peer":"01KJR8M0JHPZXCPKJ34HTYXSWW","peer_type":"collection","predicate":"collection"},{"peer":"01KJR8R5M8VXDW8Z6YHQTCPK14","peer_label":"god","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"divine_being","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:55:27.358Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8RBRNY6A8BA7KMBBK49P2","peer_label":"narrator augustine","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"person","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:55:27.358Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8RM469XEEVHNJNEGV2NDW","peer_label":"alypius","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"person","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:55:27.358Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8RV3RP7Q34Y2V2YBGN80T","peer_label":"wisdom","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"concept","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:55:27.358Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8RX8MGDENW4EF3XG0GN86","peer_label":"pontitianus","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"person","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:55:27.358Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8RXPF9CRBK78GARGPX8PE","peer_label":"unnamed agent 2","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"person","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:55:27.358Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8RXTY373AEVZ2DD6S4GR6","peer_label":"emperor","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"title","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:55:27.358Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8RXZNSF0TASNNYCFVR5DG","peer_label":"public affairs","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"concept","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:55:27.358Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8RY0JYYT5X22RSE6M445X","peer_label":"the book","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"object","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:55:27.358Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8RY78YEP2TTXC2G4BDCKY","peer_label":"friend of god","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"concept","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:55:27.358Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8RXX2KBY7RRBX9S91HE11","peer_label":"unnamed agent 1","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"person","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:55:27.358Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8RYKHK8Z61KAQ620HXHT1","peer_label":"cottage","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"place","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:55:27.358Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8RYR21NXSHD96BYF12KW2","peer_label":"pontitianuss companion","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"person","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:55:27.358Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8RYJNN2VEMPJMK0MGKBP3","peer_label":"palace","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"place","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:55:27.358Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8RYMETWC1RD88VB5ZSEEX","peer_label":"affianced brides","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"group_of_people","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:55:27.358Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8RYYT32MZT0Z3QGG2XJH0","peer_label":"disease of concupiscence","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"state_of_being","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:55:27.358Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8RZAJ6XWCJDNQYS000XK3","peer_label":"garden location","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"place","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:55:27.358Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8RZAHEHERQTKVECG9G0BM","peer_label":"chastity and contineny","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"concept","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:55:27.358Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8RZA4TM6D8SQPJ3GTMJ66","peer_label":"sacrilegious superstition","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"belief_system","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:55:27.358Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8RZFT8KXMHZSWFXWB17QQ","peer_label":"ciceros hortensius","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"literary_work","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:55:27.358Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8RZG2DMQN59HQMWT1Q01D","peer_label":"lodging","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"place","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:55:27.358Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8S0DGNQ2JZ4KDWKCM5RQP","peer_label":"gods will and covenant","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"entity","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:55:27.358Z"}}],"ver":2,"created_at":"2026-03-02T21:54:24.816Z","ts":"2026-03-02T21:55:28.787Z","edited_by":{"method":"system","user_id":"01KJ60XQBHJ0GBGTP9X8HXAPPM"}}