{"id":"01KJR8Q6DGG5743W8AV47GWYSA","cid":"bafkreieijookek3pwkkrcfj6l2wl3ypbxhifm6pxqqk6rqqp3afa2ycpii","type":"text_chunk","properties":{"char_end":299542,"char_start":291683,"chunk_index":41,"chunk_total":89,"estimated_tokens":1965,"source_file_key":"confessions","text":"was divided into many. Thus also, when, above, eternity delights us, and\r\nthe pleasure of temporal good holds us down below, it is the same soul\r\nwhich willeth not this or that with an entire will; and therefore is\r\nrent asunder with grievous perplexities, while out of truth it sets this\r\nfirst, but out of habit sets not that aside.\r\n\r\nThus soul-sick was I, and tormented, accusing myself much more severely\r\nthan my wont, rolling and turning me in my chain, till that were wholly\r\nbroken, whereby I now was but just, but still was, held. And Thou, O\r\nLord, pressedst upon me in my inward parts by a severe mercy, redoubling\r\nthe lashes of fear and shame, lest I should again give way, and not\r\nbursting that same slight remaining tie, it should recover strength, and\r\nbind me the faster. For I said with myself, \"Be it done now, be it done\r\nnow.\" And as I spake, I all but enacted it: I all but did it, and did\r\nit not: yet sunk not back to my former state, but kept my stand hard by,\r\nand took breath. And I essayed again, and wanted somewhat less of it,\r\nand somewhat less, and all but touched, and laid hold of it; and yet\r\ncame not at it, nor touched nor laid hold of it; hesitating to die to\r\ndeath and to live to life: and the worse whereto I was inured, prevailed\r\nmore with me than the better whereto I was unused: and the very moment\r\nwherein I was to become other than I was, the nearer it approached me,\r\nthe greater horror did it strike into me; yet did it not strike me back,\r\nnor turned me away, but held me in suspense.\r\n\r\nThe very toys of toys, and vanities of vanities, my ancient mistresses,\r\nstill held me; they plucked my fleshy garment, and whispered softly,\r\n\"Dost thou cast us off? and from that moment shall we no more be with\r\nthee for ever? and from that moment shall not this or that be lawful\r\nfor thee for ever?\" And what was it which they suggested in that I said,\r\n\"this or that,\" what did they suggest, O my God? Let Thy mercy turn it\r\naway from the soul of Thy servant. What defilements did they suggest!\r\nwhat shame! And now I much less than half heard them, and not openly\r\nshowing themselves and contradicting me, but muttering as it were behind\r\nmy back, and privily plucking me, as I was departing, but to look back\r\non them. Yet they did retard me, so that I hesitated to burst and\r\nshake myself free from them, and to spring over whither I was called;\r\na violent habit saying to me, \"Thinkest thou, thou canst live without\r\nthem?\"\r\n\r\nBut now it spake very faintly. For on that side whither I had set my\r\nface, and whither I trembled to go, there appeared unto me the chaste\r\ndignity of Continency, serene, yet not relaxedly, gay, honestly alluring\r\nme to come and doubt not; and stretching forth to receive and embrace\r\nme, her holy hands full of multitudes of good examples: there were so\r\nmany young men and maidens here, a multitude of youth and every age,\r\ngrave widows and aged virgins; and Continence herself in all, not\r\nbarren, but a fruitful mother of children of joys, by Thee her Husband,\r\nO Lord. And she smiled on me with a persuasive mockery, as would she\r\nsay, \"Canst not thou what these youths, what these maidens can? or can\r\nthey either in themselves, and not rather in the Lord their God? The\r\nLord their God gave me unto them. Why standest thou in thyself, and\r\nso standest not? cast thyself upon Him, fear not He will not withdraw\r\nHimself that thou shouldest fall; cast thyself fearlessly upon Him, He\r\nwill receive, and will heal thee.\" And I blushed exceedingly, for that\r\nI yet heard the muttering of those toys, and hung in suspense. And she\r\nagain seemed to say, \"Stop thine ears against those thy unclean members\r\non the earth, that they may be mortified. They tell thee of delights,\r\nbut not as doth the law of the Lord thy God.\" This controversy in my\r\nheart was self against self only. But Alypius sitting close by my side,\r\nin silence waited the issue of my unwonted emotion.\r\n\r\nBut when a deep consideration had from the secret bottom of my soul\r\ndrawn together and heaped up all my misery in the sight of my heart;\r\nthere arose a mighty storm, bringing a mighty shower of tears. Which\r\nthat I might pour forth wholly, in its natural expressions, I rose from\r\nAlypius: solitude was suggested to me as fitter for the business of\r\nweeping; so I retired so far that even his presence could not be a\r\nburden to me. Thus was it then with me, and he perceived something of\r\nit; for something I suppose I had spoken, wherein the tones of my voice\r\nappeared choked with weeping, and so had risen up. He then remained\r\nwhere we were sitting, most extremely astonished. I cast myself down I\r\nknow not how, under a certain fig-tree, giving full vent to my tears;\r\nand the floods of mine eyes gushed out an acceptable sacrifice to Thee.\r\nAnd, not indeed in these words, yet to this purpose, spake I much unto\r\nThee: and Thou, O Lord, how long? how long, Lord, wilt Thou be angry for\r\never? Remember not our former iniquities, for I felt that I was held by\r\nthem. I sent up these sorrowful words: How long, how long, \"tomorrow,\r\nand tomorrow?\" Why not now? why not is there this hour an end to my\r\nuncleanness?\r\n\r\nSo was I speaking and weeping in the most bitter contrition of my heart,\r\nwhen, lo! I heard from a neighbouring house a voice, as of boy or girl,\r\nI know not, chanting, and oft repeating, \"Take up and read; Take up and\r\nread.\" Instantly, my countenance altered, I began to think most intently\r\nwhether children were wont in any kind of play to sing such words: nor\r\ncould I remember ever to have heard the like. So checking the torrent\r\nof my tears, I arose; interpreting it to be no other than a command from\r\nGod to open the book, and read the first chapter I should find. For I\r\nhad heard of Antony, that coming in during the reading of the Gospel,\r\nhe received the admonition, as if what was being read was spoken to him:\r\nGo, sell all that thou hast, and give to the poor, and thou shalt have\r\ntreasure in heaven, and come and follow me: and by such oracle he was\r\nforthwith converted unto Thee. Eagerly then I returned to the place\r\nwhere Alypius was sitting; for there had I laid the volume of the\r\nApostle when I arose thence. I seized, opened, and in silence read that\r\nsection on which my eyes first fell: Not in rioting and drunkenness, not\r\nin chambering and wantonness, not in strife and envying; but put ye\r\non the Lord Jesus Christ, and make not provision for the flesh, in\r\nconcupiscence. No further would I read; nor needed I: for instantly at\r\nthe end of this sentence, by a light as it were of serenity infused into\r\nmy heart, all the darkness of doubt vanished away.\r\n\r\nThen putting my finger between, or some other mark, I shut the volume,\r\nand with a calmed countenance made it known to Alypius. And what was\r\nwrought in him, which I knew not, he thus showed me. He asked to see\r\nwhat I had read: I showed him; and he looked even further than I had\r\nread, and I knew not what followed. This followed, him that is weak in\r\nthe faith, receive; which he applied to himself, and disclosed to me.\r\nAnd by this admonition was he strengthened; and by a good resolution and\r\npurpose, and most corresponding to his character, wherein he did always\r\nvery far differ from me, for the better, without any turbulent delay he\r\njoined me. Thence we go in to my mother; we tell her; she rejoiceth: we\r\nrelate in order how it took place; she leaps for joy, and triumpheth,\r\nand blesseth Thee, Who are able to do above that which we ask or think;\r\nfor she perceived that Thou hadst given her more for me, than she\r\nwas wont to beg by her pitiful and most sorrowful groanings. For thou\r\nconvertedst me unto Thyself, so that I sought neither wife, nor any hope\r\nof this world, standing in that rule of faith, where Thou hadst showed\r\nme unto her in a vision, so many years before."},"relationships":[{"peer":"01KJR8NK5DAD726FMQ6JCHGZ5R","peer_label":"confessions","peer_type":"text","predicate":"derived_from"},{"peer":"01KJR8M0JHPZXCPKJ34HTYXSWW","peer_type":"collection","predicate":"collection"},{"peer":"01KJR8RPPKYW47TDNV7M0J1MEJ","peer_label":"augustine","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"person","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:55:44.598Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8RMZHT5BJAYVGG0PZ6ZTP","peer_label":"eternity","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"concept","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:55:44.598Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8RHHWF5HSQ2WP9RNAH9YQ","peer_label":"fig-tree","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"plant","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:55:44.598Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8RM469XEEVHNJNEGV2NDW","peer_label":"alypius","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"person","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:55:44.598Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8R9Z2XP30HXZ5TCBSRH5M","peer_label":"rule of faith","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"concept","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:55:44.598Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8RZ11QBNN9ESRW4Q5J0VT","peer_label":"augustines mother","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"person","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:55:44.598Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8SETER47PPWVGQ7G8FK0H","peer_label":"temporal good","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"concept","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:55:44.598Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8SFB29KQQY4RMECW6CR13","peer_label":"lord god","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"divine_entity","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:55:44.598Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8SFET5BBYHNZA46PP2HX2","peer_label":"continency","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"personified_virtue","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:55:44.598Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8SFXVZD9TK8MP6ZQ3YJGZ","peer_label":"violent habit","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"concept","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:55:44.598Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8SFG8A2N7T11Q550H8DP3","peer_label":"ancient mistresses","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"metaphorical_entity","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:55:44.598Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8SFGH9XY09J2BQPJDBR8V","peer_label":"soul augustines","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"concept","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:55:44.598Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8SGA47J23PQT3KBXJP7XS","peer_label":"romans 1313-14","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"scriptural_passage","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:55:44.598Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8SGA6EPV25PWMNN347YZZ","peer_label":"voice take up and read","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"event_catalyst","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:55:44.598Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8SGFVHBRYX9S96CXP2EX8","peer_label":"antony of egypt","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"person","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:55:44.598Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8SGERGQT31WY5N8T6DJJ2","peer_label":"gospel admonition antonys","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"scriptural_passage","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:55:44.598Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8SGM525MJNBNN75ZXS7XG","peer_label":"pauline epistles","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"religious_text","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:55:44.598Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8SGBSYG0HPN8ZSQ9VF15J","peer_label":"book of scripture","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"religious_text","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:55:44.598Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8SH13V6SQM1FKGE9XRNJZ","peer_label":"lord jesus christ","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"divine_entity","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:55:44.598Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8SH4W5NRR5B93807SJEQ7","peer_label":"conversion augustines","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"event","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:55:44.598Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8SH1W88AA9FNMKPSW9PZB","peer_label":"romans 141","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"scriptural_passage","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:55:44.598Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8SH9JZY7JN5TNFXAXAY3A","peer_label":"mothers vision","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"event","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:55:44.598Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8SHPZ7MNGAM6BMBRQ85NB","peer_label":"fear and shame","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"entity","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:55:44.598Z"}}],"ver":2,"created_at":"2026-03-02T21:54:24.816Z","ts":"2026-03-02T21:55:46.792Z","edited_by":{"method":"system","user_id":"01KJ60XQBHJ0GBGTP9X8HXAPPM"}}