{"id":"01KJR8Q6CZXXKC6MGF7572RGMD","cid":"bafkreics77c2pehxhy2wpq2msyb6c4sn5jfv3ybmhqxz3r3v73k5ploaqi","type":"text_chunk","properties":{"char_end":278231,"char_start":270389,"chunk_index":38,"chunk_total":89,"estimated_tokens":1961,"source_file_key":"confessions","text":"made a chain for me, and bound me. For of a forward will, was a lust\r\nmade; and a lust served, became custom; and custom not resisted, became\r\nnecessity. By which links, as it were, joined together (whence I called\r\nit a chain) a hard bondage held me enthralled. But that new will which\r\nhad begun to be in me, freely to serve Thee, and to wish to enjoy Thee,\r\nO God, the only assured pleasantness, was not yet able to overcome my\r\nformer wilfulness, strengthened by age. Thus did my two wills, one new,\r\nand the other old, one carnal, the other spiritual, struggle within me;\r\nand by their discord, undid my soul.\r\n\r\nThus, I understood, by my own experience, what I had read, how the flesh\r\nlusteth against the spirit and the spirit against the flesh. Myself\r\nverily either way; yet more myself, in that which I approved in myself,\r\nthan in that which in myself I disapproved. For in this last, it was now\r\nfor the more part not myself, because in much I rather endured against\r\nmy will, than acted willingly. And yet it was through me that custom had\r\nobtained this power of warring against me, because I had come willingly,\r\nwhither I willed not. And who has any right to speak against it, if just\r\npunishment follow the sinner? Nor had I now any longer my former plea,\r\nthat I therefore as yet hesitated to be above the world and serve Thee,\r\nfor that the truth was not altogether ascertained to me; for now it too\r\nwas. But I still under service to the earth, refused to fight under Thy\r\nbanner, and feared as much to be freed of all incumbrances, as we should\r\nfear to be encumbered with it. Thus with the baggage of this present\r\nworld was I held down pleasantly, as in sleep: and the thoughts wherein\r\nI meditated on Thee were like the efforts of such as would awake, who\r\nyet overcome with a heavy drowsiness, are again drenched therein. And as\r\nno one would sleep for ever, and in all men's sober judgment waking is\r\nbetter, yet a man for the most part, feeling a heavy lethargy in all his\r\nlimbs, defers to shake off sleep, and though half displeased, yet, even\r\nafter it is time to rise, with pleasure yields to it, so was I assured\r\nthat much better were it for me to give myself up to Thy charity, than\r\nto give myself over to mine own cupidity; but though the former course\r\nsatisfied me and gained the mastery, the latter pleased me and held me\r\nmastered. Nor had I any thing to answer Thee calling to me, Awake,\r\nthou that sleepest, and arise from the dead, and Christ shall give thee\r\nlight. And when Thou didst on all sides show me that what Thou saidst\r\nwas true, I, convicted by the truth, had nothing at all to answer, but\r\nonly those dull and drowsy words, \"Anon, anon,\" \"presently,\" \"leave\r\nme but a little.\" But \"presently, presently,\" had no present, and my\r\n\"little while\" went on for a long while; in vain I delighted in Thy\r\nlaw according to the inner man, when another law in my members rebelled\r\nagainst the law of my mind, and led me captive under the law of sin\r\nwhich was in my members. For the law of sin is the violence of custom,\r\nwhereby the mind is drawn and holden, even against its will; but\r\ndeservedly, for that it willingly fell into it. Who then should deliver\r\nme thus wretched from the body of this death, but Thy grace only,\r\nthrough Jesus Christ our Lord?\r\n\r\nAnd how Thou didst deliver me out of the bonds of desire, wherewith I\r\nwas bound most straitly to carnal concupiscence, and out of the drudgery\r\nof worldly things, I will now declare, and confess unto Thy name, O\r\nLord, my helper and my redeemer. Amid increasing anxiety, I was doing\r\nmy wonted business, and daily sighing unto Thee. I attended Thy Church,\r\nwhenever free from the business under the burden of which I groaned.\r\nAlypius was with me, now after the third sitting released from his law\r\nbusiness, and awaiting to whom to sell his counsel, as I sold the skill\r\nof speaking, if indeed teaching can impart it. Nebridius had now, in\r\nconsideration of our friendship, consented to teach under Verecundus, a\r\ncitizen and a grammarian of Milan, and a very intimate friend of us all;\r\nwho urgently desired, and by the right of friendship challenged from our\r\ncompany, such faithful aid as he greatly needed. Nebridius then was not\r\ndrawn to this by any desire of advantage (for he might have made much\r\nmore of his learning had he so willed), but as a most kind and gentle\r\nfriend, he would not be wanting to a good office, and slight our\r\nrequest. But he acted herein very discreetly, shunning to become known\r\nto personages great according to this world, avoiding the distraction\r\nof mind thence ensuing, and desiring to have it free and at leisure, as\r\nmany hours as might be, to seek, or read, or hear something concerning\r\nwisdom.\r\n\r\nUpon a day then, Nebridius being absent (I recollect not why), lo, there\r\ncame to see me and Alypius, one Pontitianus, our countryman so far as\r\nbeing an African, in high office in the Emperor's court. What he would\r\nwith us, I know not, but we sat down to converse, and it happened that\r\nupon a table for some game, before us, he observed a book, took, opened\r\nit, and contrary to his expectation, found it the Apostle Paul; for he\r\nthought it some of those books which I was wearing myself in teaching.\r\nWhereat smiling, and looking at me, he expressed his joy and wonder that\r\nhe had on a sudden found this book, and this only before my eyes. For he\r\nwas a Christian, and baptised, and often bowed himself before Thee our\r\nGod in the Church, in frequent and continued prayers. When then I had\r\ntold him that I bestowed very great pains upon those Scriptures, a\r\nconversation arose (suggested by his account) on Antony the Egyptian\r\nmonk: whose name was in high reputation among Thy servants, though to\r\nthat hour unknown to us. Which when he discovered, he dwelt the more\r\nupon that subject, informing and wondering at our ignorance of one so\r\neminent. But we stood amazed, hearing Thy wonderful works most fully\r\nattested, in times so recent, and almost in our own, wrought in the true\r\nFaith and Church Catholic. We all wondered; we, that they were so great,\r\nand he, that they had not reached us.\r\n\r\nThence his discourse turned to the flocks in the monasteries, and their\r\nholy ways, a sweet-smelling savour unto Thee, and the fruitful deserts\r\nof the wilderness, whereof we knew nothing. And there was a monastery\r\nat Milan, full of good brethren, without the city walls, under the\r\nfostering care of Ambrose, and we knew it not. He went on with his\r\ndiscourse, and we listened in intent silence. He told us then how one\r\nafternoon at Triers, when the Emperor was taken up with the Circensian\r\ngames, he and three others, his companions, went out to walk in gardens\r\nnear the city walls, and there as they happened to walk in pairs, one\r\nwent apart with him, and the other two wandered by themselves; and\r\nthese, in their wanderings, lighted upon a certain cottage, inhabited\r\nby certain of Thy servants, poor in spirit, of whom is the kingdom\r\nof heaven, and there they found a little book containing the life of\r\nAntony. This one of them began to read, admire, and kindle at it; and\r\nas he read, to meditate on taking up such a life, and giving over his\r\nsecular service to serve Thee. And these two were of those whom they\r\nstyle agents for the public affairs. Then suddenly, filled with a holy\r\nlove, and a sober shame, in anger with himself cast his eyes upon his\r\nfriend, saying, \"Tell me, I pray thee, what would we attain by all these\r\nlabours of ours? what aim we at? what serve we for? Can our hopes in\r\ncourt rise higher than to be the Emperor's favourites? and in this, what\r\nis there not brittle, and full of perils? and by how many perils arrive\r\nwe at a greater peril? and when arrive we thither? But a friend of God,\r\nif I wish it, I become now at once.\" So spake he."},"relationships":[{"peer":"01KJR8NK5DAD726FMQ6JCHGZ5R","peer_label":"confessions","peer_type":"text","predicate":"derived_from"},{"peer":"01KJR8M0JHPZXCPKJ34HTYXSWW","peer_type":"collection","predicate":"collection"},{"peer":"01KJR8R5M8VXDW8Z6YHQTCPK14","peer_label":"god","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"divine_being","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:55:24.519Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8RM469XEEVHNJNEGV2NDW","peer_label":"alypius","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"person","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:55:24.519Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8RE9ASSVJ2EZY47NJ72AM","peer_label":"jesus christ","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"divine_being","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:55:24.519Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8RCXDKK4JMV2E4EDZVF16","peer_label":"augustine of hippo","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"person","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:55:24.519Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8RB14M0H2QPE7EC4PSWPY","peer_label":"nebridius","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"person","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:55:24.519Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8RAKYY0MVH40SSQ9SZ06C","peer_label":"verecundus","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"person","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:55:24.519Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8RC90MA484QJAVK6C7F7D","peer_label":"ambrose","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"person","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:55:24.519Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8RX8MGDENW4EF3XG0GN86","peer_label":"pontitianus","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"person","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:55:24.519Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8RWTG0DJPZ5CCS853KCBM","peer_label":"two wills augustines","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"internal_conflict","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:55:24.519Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8RWVW31XCK8Y4FYV31404","peer_label":"law of sin","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"concept","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:55:24.519Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8RX7GBJK8TD5DEANMPV3W","peer_label":"emperors court","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"organization","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:55:24.519Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8RX8NZ446EY77AD4FQNJJ","peer_label":"milan","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"city","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:55:24.519Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8RXEMKV20TY83AGSS4B5G","peer_label":"antony the egyptian monk","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"person","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:55:24.519Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8RXH89VW49KW8K3RSQEB2","peer_label":"triers","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"city","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:55:24.519Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8RXJ8GZHFHZ3YNXZ62TGA","peer_label":"apostle paul","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"person","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:55:24.519Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8RY6RH4Z5AXGWXEF2ETQD","peer_label":"monastery at milan ambroses","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"religious_institution","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:55:24.519Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8RY1WQNFTPYT4PGMYGFAK","peer_label":"pontitianuss companion inspired","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"person","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:55:24.519Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8RY3WGEBX5V9FDX17KA8D","peer_label":"the emperor triers","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"person","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:55:24.519Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8RY16C473JNYCZYVH4YZZ","peer_label":"life of antony book","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"book","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:55:24.519Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8RYEQXJQN16QEKY4X11YQ","peer_label":"circensian games","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"event","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:55:24.519Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8RYDWQSPER93VJ0ACKWB5","peer_label":"violence of custom","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"entity","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:55:24.519Z"}}],"ver":2,"created_at":"2026-03-02T21:54:24.799Z","ts":"2026-03-02T21:55:25.713Z","edited_by":{"method":"system","user_id":"01KJ60XQBHJ0GBGTP9X8HXAPPM"}}