{"id":"01KJR8Q6BF82CE1T0MP8DPQNT9","cid":"bafkreifec6uumt4qgxokjbo7tixcpzduo7szsdqcbzkeuzegyjrhvxhsa4","type":"text_chunk","properties":{"char_end":157032,"char_start":149062,"chunk_index":21,"chunk_total":89,"estimated_tokens":1993,"source_file_key":"confessions","text":"of execrable defilements, from the waters of the sea, for the water of\r\nThy Grace; whereby when I was cleansed, the streams of my mother's eyes\r\nshould be dried, with which for me she daily watered the ground under\r\nher face. And yet refusing to return without me, I scarcely persuaded\r\nher to stay that night in a place hard by our ship, where was an Oratory\r\nin memory of the blessed Cyprian. That night I privily departed, but she\r\nwas not behind in weeping and prayer. And what, O Lord, was she with so\r\nmany tears asking of Thee, but that Thou wouldest not suffer me to sail?\r\nBut Thou, in the depth of Thy counsels and hearing the main point of her\r\ndesire, regardest not what she then asked, that Thou mightest make me\r\nwhat she ever asked. The wind blew and swelled our sails, and withdrew\r\nthe shore from our sight; and she on the morrow was there, frantic with\r\nsorrow, and with complaints and groans filled Thine ears, Who didst then\r\ndisregard them; whilst through my desires, Thou wert hurrying me to end\r\nall desire, and the earthly part of her affection to me was chastened\r\nby the allotted scourge of sorrows. For she loved my being with her, as\r\nmothers do, but much more than many; and she knew not how great joy Thou\r\nwert about to work for her out of my absence. She knew not; therefore\r\ndid she weep and wail, and by this agony there appeared in her the\r\ninheritance of Eve, with sorrow seeking what in sorrow she had brought\r\nforth. And yet, after accusing my treachery and hardheartedness, she\r\nbetook herself again to intercede to Thee for me, went to her wonted\r\nplace, and I to Rome.\r\n\r\nAnd lo, there was I received by the scourge of bodily sickness, and I\r\nwas going down to hell, carrying all the sins which I had committed,\r\nboth against Thee, and myself, and others, many and grievous, over and\r\nabove that bond of original sin, whereby we all die in Adam. For\r\nThou hadst not forgiven me any of these things in Christ, nor had He\r\nabolished by His Cross the enmity which by my sins I had incurred with\r\nThee. For how should He, by the crucifixion of a phantasm, which I\r\nbelieved Him to be? So true, then, was the death of my soul, as that\r\nof His flesh seemed to me false; and how true the death of His body,\r\nso false was the life of my soul, which did not believe it. And now the\r\nfever heightening, I was parting and departing for ever. For had I then\r\nparted hence, whither had I departed, but into fire and torments, such\r\nas my misdeeds deserved in the truth of Thy appointment? And this she\r\nknew not, yet in absence prayed for me. But Thou, everywhere present,\r\nheardest her where she was, and, where I was, hadst compassion upon me;\r\nthat I should recover the health of my body, though frenzied as yet\r\nin my sacrilegious heart. For I did not in all that danger desire Thy\r\nbaptism; and I was better as a boy, when I begged it of my mother's\r\npiety, as I have before recited and confessed. But I had grown up to my\r\nown shame, and I madly scoffed at the prescripts of Thy medicine, who\r\nwouldest not suffer me, being such, to die a double death. With which\r\nwound had my mother's heart been pierced, it could never be healed. For\r\nI cannot express the affection she bore to me, and with how much more\r\nvehement anguish she was now in labour of me in the spirit, than at her\r\nchildbearing in the flesh.\r\n\r\nI see not then how she should have been healed, had such a death of mine\r\nstricken through the bowels of her love. And where would have been those\r\nher so strong and unceasing prayers, unintermitting to Thee alone? But\r\nwouldest Thou, God of mercies, despise the contrite and humbled heart of\r\nthat chaste and sober widow, so frequent in almsdeeds, so full of duty\r\nand service to Thy saints, no day intermitting the oblation at Thine\r\naltar, twice a day, morning and evening, without any intermission,\r\ncoming to Thy church, not for idle tattlings and old wives' fables; but\r\nthat she might hear Thee in Thy discourses, and Thou her in her prayers.\r\nCouldest Thou despise and reject from Thy aid the tears of such an one,\r\nwherewith she begged of Thee not gold or silver, nor any mutable or\r\npassing good, but the salvation of her son's soul? Thou, by whose gift\r\nshe was such? Never, Lord. Yea, Thou wert at hand, and wert hearing and\r\ndoing, in that order wherein Thou hadst determined before that it should\r\nbe done. Far be it that Thou shouldest deceive her in Thy visions and\r\nanswers, some whereof I have, some I have not mentioned, which she laid\r\nup in her faithful heart, and ever praying, urged upon Thee, as\r\nThine own handwriting. For Thou, because Thy mercy endureth for ever,\r\nvouchsafest to those to whom Thou forgivest all of their debts, to\r\nbecome also a debtor by Thy promises.\r\n\r\nThou recoveredst me then of that sickness, and healedst the son of Thy\r\nhandmaid, for the time in body, that he might live, for Thee to bestow\r\nupon him a better and more abiding health. And even then, at Rome, I\r\njoined myself to those deceiving and deceived \"holy ones\"; not with\r\ntheir disciples only (of which number was he, in whose house I had\r\nfallen sick and recovered); but also with those whom they call \"The\r\nElect.\" For I still thought \"that it was not we that sin, but that I\r\nknow not what other nature sinned in us\"; and it delighted my pride, to\r\nbe free from blame; and when I had done any evil, not to confess I had\r\ndone any, that Thou mightest heal my soul because it had sinned against\r\nThee: but I loved to excuse it, and to accuse I know not what other\r\nthing, which was with me, but which I was not. But in truth it was\r\nwholly I, and mine impiety had divided me against myself: and that sin\r\nwas the more incurable, whereby I did not judge myself a sinner; and\r\nexecrable iniquity it was, that I had rather have Thee, Thee, O God\r\nAlmighty, to be overcome in me to my destruction, than myself of Thee to\r\nsalvation. Not as yet then hadst Thou set a watch before my mouth, and a\r\ndoor of safe keeping around my lips, that my heart might not turn\r\naside to wicked speeches, to make excuses of sins, with men that work\r\niniquity; and, therefore, was I still united with their Elect.\r\n\r\nBut now despairing to make proficiency in that false doctrine, even\r\nthose things (with which if I should find no better, I had resolved to\r\nrest contented) I now held more laxly and carelessly. For there half\r\narose a thought in me that those philosophers, whom they call Academics,\r\nwere wiser than the rest, for that they held men ought to doubt\r\neverything, and laid down that no truth can be comprehended by man:\r\nfor so, not then understanding even their meaning, I also was clearly\r\nconvinced that they thought, as they are commonly reported. Yet did I\r\nfreely and openly discourage that host of mine from that over-confidence\r\nwhich I perceived him to have in those fables, which the books of\r\nManichaeus are full of. Yet I lived in more familiar friendship with\r\nthem, than with others who were not of this heresy. Nor did I maintain\r\nit with my ancient eagerness; still my intimacy with that sect (Rome\r\nsecretly harbouring many of them) made me slower to seek any other way:\r\nespecially since I despaired of finding the truth, from which they had\r\nturned me aside, in Thy Church, O Lord of heaven and earth, Creator of\r\nall things visible and invisible: and it seemed to me very unseemly to\r\nbelieve Thee to have the shape of human flesh, and to be bounded by the\r\nbodily lineaments of our members. And because, when I wished to think on\r\nmy God, I knew not what to think of, but a mass of bodies (for what was\r\nnot such did not seem to me to be anything), this was the greatest, and\r\nalmost only cause of my inevitable error.\r\n\r\nFor hence I believed Evil also to be some such kind of substance, and\r\nto have its own foul and hideous bulk; whether gross, which they called\r\nearth, or thin and subtile (like the body of the air), which they\r\nimagine to be some malignant mind, creeping through that earth."},"relationships":[{"peer":"01KJR8NK5DAD726FMQ6JCHGZ5R","peer_label":"confessions","peer_type":"text","predicate":"derived_from"},{"peer":"01KJR8M0JHPZXCPKJ34HTYXSWW","peer_type":"collection","predicate":"collection"},{"peer":"01KJR8R5G6YBRPPRB9G7VTNAFB","peer_label":"the 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