{"id":"01KJR8Q6BF48K50E3T68HC3448","cid":"bafkreid5xxzsnd4eyqprljhl5l72cl5ef2csmvjrabjtfyw63q4mxj6l7q","type":"text_chunk","properties":{"char_end":185678,"char_start":177677,"chunk_index":25,"chunk_total":89,"estimated_tokens":2001,"source_file_key":"confessions","text":"promise of certain knowledge, and then so many most fabulous and\r\nabsurd things were imposed to be believed, because they could not be\r\ndemonstrated. Then Thou, O Lord, little by little with most tender and\r\nmost merciful hand, touching and composing my heart, didst persuade\r\nme--considering what innumerable things I believed, which I saw not, nor\r\nwas present while they were done, as so many things in secular history,\r\nso many reports of places and of cities, which I had not seen; so many\r\nof friends, so many of physicians, so many continually of other men,\r\nwhich unless we should believe, we should do nothing at all in this\r\nlife; lastly, with how unshaken an assurance I believed of what\r\nparents I was born, which I could not know, had I not believed upon\r\nhearsay--considering all this, Thou didst persuade me, that not they who\r\nbelieved Thy Books (which Thou hast established in so great authority\r\namong almost all nations), but they who believed them not, were to be\r\nblamed; and that they were not to be heard, who should say to me, \"How\r\nknowest thou those Scriptures to have been imparted unto mankind by the\r\nSpirit of the one true and most true God?\" For this very thing was\r\nof all most to be believed, since no contentiousness of blasphemous\r\nquestionings, of all that multitude which I had read in the\r\nself-contradicting philosophers, could wring this belief from me,\r\n\"That Thou art\" whatsoever Thou wert (what I knew not), and \"That the\r\ngovernment of human things belongs to Thee.\"\r\n\r\nThis I believed, sometimes more strongly, more weakly otherwhiles; yet I\r\never believed both that Thou wert, and hadst a care of us; though I was\r\nignorant, both what was to be thought of Thy substance, and what way led\r\nor led back to Thee. Since then we were too weak by abstract reasonings\r\nto find out truth: and for this very cause needed the authority of Holy\r\nWrit; I had now begun to believe that Thou wouldest never have given\r\nsuch excellency of authority to that Writ in all lands, hadst Thou not\r\nwilled thereby to be believed in, thereby sought. For now what things,\r\nsounding strangely in the Scripture, were wont to offend me, having\r\nheard divers of them expounded satisfactorily, I referred to the depth\r\nof the mysteries, and its authority appeared to me the more venerable,\r\nand more worthy of religious credence, in that, while it lay open to all\r\nto read, it reserved the majesty of its mysteries within its profounder\r\nmeaning, stooping to all in the great plainness of its words and\r\nlowliness of its style, yet calling forth the intensest application of\r\nsuch as are not light of heart; that so it might receive all in its open\r\nbosom, and through narrow passages waft over towards Thee some few, yet\r\nmany more than if it stood not aloft on such a height of authority, nor\r\ndrew multitudes within its bosom by its holy lowliness. These things\r\nI thought on, and Thou wert with me; I sighed, and Thou heardest me; I\r\nwavered, and Thou didst guide me; I wandered through the broad way of\r\nthe world, and Thou didst not forsake me.\r\n\r\nI panted after honours, gains, marriage; and thou deridedst me. In these\r\ndesires I underwent most bitter crosses, Thou being the more gracious,\r\nthe less Thou sufferedst aught to grow sweet to me, which was not Thou.\r\nBehold my heart, O Lord, who wouldest I should remember all this, and\r\nconfess to Thee. Let my soul cleave unto Thee, now that Thou hast freed\r\nit from that fast-holding birdlime of death. How wretched was it! and\r\nThou didst irritate the feeling of its wound, that forsaking all else,\r\nit might be converted unto Thee, who art above all, and without whom all\r\nthings would be nothing; be converted, and be healed. How miserable was\r\nI then, and how didst Thou deal with me, to make me feel my misery on\r\nthat day, when I was preparing to recite a panegyric of the Emperor,\r\nwherein I was to utter many a lie, and lying, was to be applauded by\r\nthose who knew I lied, and my heart was panting with these anxieties,\r\nand boiling with the feverishness of consuming thoughts. For, passing\r\nthrough one of the streets of Milan, I observed a poor beggar, then, I\r\nsuppose, with a full belly, joking and joyous: and I sighed, and spoke\r\nto the friends around me, of the many sorrows of our frenzies; for that\r\nby all such efforts of ours, as those wherein I then toiled dragging\r\nalong, under the goading of desire, the burthen of my own wretchedness,\r\nand, by dragging, augmenting it, we yet looked to arrive only at that\r\nvery joyousness whither that beggar-man had arrived before us, who\r\nshould never perchance attain it. For what he had obtained by means of a\r\nfew begged pence, the same was I plotting for by many a toilsome turning\r\nand winding; the joy of a temporary felicity. For he verily had not the\r\ntrue joy; but yet I with those my ambitious designs was seeking one much\r\nless true. And certainly he was joyous, I anxious; he void of care, I\r\nfull of fears. But should any ask me, had I rather be merry or fearful?\r\nI would answer merry. Again, if he asked had I rather be such as he was,\r\nor what I then was? I should choose to be myself, though worn with cares\r\nand fears; but out of wrong judgment; for, was it the truth? For I ought\r\nnot to prefer myself to him, because more learned than he, seeing I\r\nhad no joy therein, but sought to please men by it; and that not to\r\ninstruct, but simply to please. Wherefore also Thou didst break my bones\r\nwith the staff of Thy correction.\r\n\r\nAway with those then from my soul who say to her, \"It makes a difference\r\nwhence a man's joy is. That beggar-man joyed in drunkenness; Thou\r\ndesiredst to joy in glory.\" What glory, Lord? That which is not in\r\nThee. For even as his was no true joy, so was that no true glory: and\r\nit overthrew my soul more. He that very night should digest his\r\ndrunkenness; but I had slept and risen again with mine, and was to sleep\r\nagain, and again to rise with it, how many days, Thou, God, knowest. But\r\n\"it doth make a difference whence a man's joy is.\" I know it, and the\r\njoy of a faithful hope lieth incomparably beyond such vanity. Yea, and\r\nso was he then beyond me: for he verily was the happier; not only for\r\nthat he was thoroughly drenched in mirth, I disembowelled with cares:\r\nbut he, by fair wishes, had gotten wine; I, by lying, was seeking for\r\nempty, swelling praise. Much to this purpose said I then to my friends:\r\nand I often marked in them how it fared with me; and I found it went ill\r\nwith me, and grieved, and doubled that very ill; and if any prosperity\r\nsmiled on me, I was loth to catch at it, for almost before I could grasp\r\nit, it flew away.\r\n\r\nThese things we, who were living as friends together, bemoaned together,\r\nbut chiefly and most familiarly did I speak thereof with Alypius and\r\nNebridius, of whom Alypius was born in the same town with me, of persons\r\nof chief rank there, but younger than I. For he had studied under me,\r\nboth when I first lectured in our town, and afterwards at Carthage, and\r\nhe loved me much, because I seemed to him kind, and learned; and I him,\r\nfor his great towardliness to virtue, which was eminent enough in one of\r\nno greater years. Yet the whirlpool of Carthaginian habits (amongst whom\r\nthose idle spectacles are hotly followed) had drawn him into the\r\nmadness of the Circus. But while he was miserably tossed therein, and\r\nI, professing rhetoric there, had a public school, as yet he used not my\r\nteaching, by reason of some unkindness risen betwixt his father and me.\r\nI had found then how deadly he doted upon the Circus, and was deeply\r\ngrieved that he seemed likely, nay, or had thrown away so great promise:\r\nyet had I no means of advising or with a sort of constraint reclaiming\r\nhim, either by the kindness of a friend, or the authority of a master.\r\nFor I supposed that he thought of me as did his father; but he was not\r\nsuch; laying aside then his father's mind in that matter, he began to\r\ngreet me, come sometimes into my lecture room, hear a "},"relationships":[{"peer":"01KJR8NK5DAD726FMQ6JCHGZ5R","peer_label":"confessions","peer_type":"text","predicate":"derived_from"},{"peer":"01KJR8M0JHPZXCPKJ34HTYXSWW","peer_type":"collection","predicate":"collection"},{"peer":"01KJR8RPQ9SKEPEPA0ENEEP7VB","peer_label":"augustine narrator","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"person","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:55:41.801Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8R5M8VXDW8Z6YHQTCPK14","peer_label":"god","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"divine_being","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:55:41.801Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8RX8NZ446EY77AD4FQNJJ","peer_label":"milan","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"city","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:55:41.801Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8RM469XEEVHNJNEGV2NDW","peer_label":"alypius","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"person","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:55:41.801Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8RB14M0H2QPE7EC4PSWPY","peer_label":"nebridius","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"person","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:55:41.801Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8R6AJ4HSDN1TJ34CHPH7J","peer_label":"carthage","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"city","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:55:41.801Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8SAC3RSX6RMEJ0S6HRA0X","peer_label":"panegyric of the emperor","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"event_or_document","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:55:41.801Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8SB0552NNZDKY5E7RSTZQ","peer_label":"government of human things","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"concept","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:55:41.801Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8SB0SJ2ZNDKFYARM1FA7Z","peer_label":"self-contradicting philosophers","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"group_of_people","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:55:41.801Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8SBEMFGG3GGFNW09FXYJZ","peer_label":"holy writ","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"religious_text","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:55:41.801Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8SB0D8T1BW5WV2E8XVCAN","peer_label":"mysteries of holy writ","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"concept","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:55:41.801Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8SC34GXPEQW8N2FV095AV","peer_label":"emperor unnamed","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"person","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:55:41.801Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8SBKN0SQ5CBFSEVAYJGR9","peer_label":"poor beggar","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"person","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:55:41.801Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8SC5GDVV7ADE5CGWPJWQJ","peer_label":"augustines public school","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"institution","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:55:41.801Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8SCBZDFTPAZ4KTRJG1170","peer_label":"alypiuss father","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"person","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:55:41.801Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8SCFS32096ANAV09EVX1K","peer_label":"circus","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"institution","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:55:41.801Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8SCJYBKWM679JFYSWRKX8","peer_label":"whirlpool of carthaginian habits","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"cultural_phenomenon","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:55:41.801Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8SCVNR9244SZVX03ABK3S","peer_label":"augustines hometown","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"city","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:55:41.801Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8SDEM2KVTGJ9PPZ4JS0SH","peer_label":"alypiuss doting on the circus","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"entity","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:55:41.801Z"}}],"ver":2,"created_at":"2026-03-02T21:54:24.751Z","ts":"2026-03-02T21:55:42.993Z","edited_by":{"method":"system","user_id":"01KJ60XQBHJ0GBGTP9X8HXAPPM"}}