{"id":"01KJR8Q6A7A7E5M87Z7VM36SY1","cid":"bafkreihmhep4a6qwc7jllbuulbpmk3yvx4ngi3gvfcizrazivlgz3azwoa","type":"text_chunk","properties":{"char_end":106891,"char_start":98940,"chunk_index":14,"chunk_total":89,"estimated_tokens":1988,"source_file_key":"confessions","text":"vengeance, and Fountain of mercies, turning us to Thyself by wonderful\r\nmeans; Thou tookest that man out of this life, when he had scarce filled\r\nup one whole year of my friendship, sweet to me above all sweetness of\r\nthat my life.\r\n\r\nWho can recount all Thy praises, which he hath felt in his one self?\r\nWhat diddest Thou then, my God, and how unsearchable is the abyss of\r\nThy judgments? For long, sore sick of a fever, he lay senseless in\r\na death-sweat; and his recovery being despaired of, he was baptised,\r\nunknowing; myself meanwhile little regarding, and presuming that his\r\nsoul would retain rather what it had received of me, not what was\r\nwrought on his unconscious body. But it proved far otherwise: for he was\r\nrefreshed, and restored. Forthwith, as soon as I could speak with him\r\n(and I could, so soon as he was able, for I never left him, and we hung\r\nbut too much upon each other), I essayed to jest with him, as though he\r\nwould jest with me at that baptism which he had received, when utterly\r\nabsent in mind and feeling, but had now understood that he had received.\r\nBut he so shrunk from me, as from an enemy; and with a wonderful and\r\nsudden freedom bade me, as I would continue his friend, forbear such\r\nlanguage to him. I, all astonished and amazed, suppressed all my\r\nemotions till he should grow well, and his health were strong enough for\r\nme to deal with him as I would. But he was taken away from my frenzy,\r\nthat with Thee he might be preserved for my comfort; a few days after in\r\nmy absence, he was attacked again by the fever, and so departed.\r\n\r\nAt this grief my heart was utterly darkened; and whatever I beheld was\r\ndeath. My native country was a torment to me, and my father's house a\r\nstrange unhappiness; and whatever I had shared with him, wanting him,\r\nbecame a distracting torture. Mine eyes sought him every where, but he\r\nwas not granted them; and I hated all places, for that they had not him;\r\nnor could they now tell me, \"he is coming,\" as when he was alive and\r\nabsent. I became a great riddle to myself, and I asked my soul, why she\r\nwas so sad, and why she disquieted me sorely: but she knew not what to\r\nanswer me. And if I said, Trust in God, she very rightly obeyed me not;\r\nbecause that most dear friend, whom she had lost, was, being man, both\r\ntruer and better than that phantasm she was bid to trust in. Only tears\r\nwere sweet to me, for they succeeded my friend, in the dearest of my\r\naffections.\r\n\r\nAnd now, Lord, these things are passed by, and time hath assuaged my\r\nwound. May I learn from Thee, who art Truth, and approach the ear of my\r\nheart unto Thy mouth, that Thou mayest tell me why weeping is sweet to\r\nthe miserable? Hast Thou, although present every where, cast away our\r\nmisery far from Thee? And Thou abidest in Thyself, but we are tossed\r\nabout in divers trials. And yet unless we mourned in Thine ears, we\r\nshould have no hope left. Whence then is sweet fruit gathered from the\r\nbitterness of life, from groaning, tears, sighs, and complaints? Doth\r\nthis sweeten it, that we hope Thou hearest? This is true of prayer, for\r\ntherein is a longing to approach unto Thee. But is it also in grief for\r\na thing lost, and the sorrow wherewith I was then overwhelmed? For I\r\nneither hoped he should return to life nor did I desire this with my\r\ntears; but I wept only and grieved. For I was miserable, and had lost my\r\njoy. Or is weeping indeed a bitter thing, and for very loathing of the\r\nthings which we before enjoyed, does it then, when we shrink from them,\r\nplease us?\r\n\r\nBut what speak I of these things? for now is no time to question, but to\r\nconfess unto Thee. Wretched I was; and wretched is every soul bound by\r\nthe friendship of perishable things; he is torn asunder when he loses\r\nthem, and then he feels the wretchedness which he had ere yet he lost\r\nthem. So was it then with me; I wept most bitterly, and found my repose\r\nin bitterness. Thus was I wretched, and that wretched life I held dearer\r\nthan my friend. For though I would willingly have changed it, yet was I\r\nmore unwilling to part with it than with him; yea, I know not whether I\r\nwould have parted with it even for him, as is related (if not feigned)\r\nof Pylades and Orestes, that they would gladly have died for each other\r\nor together, not to live together being to them worse than death. But in\r\nme there had arisen some unexplained feeling, too contrary to this, for\r\nat once I loathed exceedingly to live and feared to die. I suppose, the\r\nmore I loved him, the more did I hate, and fear (as a most cruel enemy)\r\ndeath, which had bereaved me of him: and I imagined it would speedily\r\nmake an end of all men, since it had power over him. Thus was it with\r\nme, I remember. Behold my heart, O my God, behold and see into me; for\r\nwell I remember it, O my Hope, who cleansest me from the impurity of\r\nsuch affections, directing mine eyes towards Thee, and plucking my feet\r\nout of the snare. For I wondered that others, subject to death, did\r\nlive, since he whom I loved, as if he should never die, was dead; and I\r\nwondered yet more that myself, who was to him a second self, could live,\r\nhe being dead. Well said one of his friend, \"Thou half of my soul\";\r\nfor I felt that my soul and his soul were \"one soul in two bodies\": and\r\ntherefore was my life a horror to me, because I would not live halved.\r\nAnd therefore perchance I feared to die, lest he whom I had much loved\r\nshould die wholly.\r\n\r\nO madness, which knowest not how to love men, like men! O foolish man\r\nthat I then was, enduring impatiently the lot of man! I fretted then,\r\nsighed, wept, was distracted; had neither rest nor counsel. For I bore\r\nabout a shattered and bleeding soul, impatient of being borne by me, yet\r\nwhere to repose it, I found not. Not in calm groves, not in games and\r\nmusic, nor in fragrant spots, nor in curious banquetings, nor in the\r\npleasures of the bed and the couch; nor (finally) in books or poesy,\r\nfound it repose. All things looked ghastly, yea, the very light;\r\nwhatsoever was not what he was, was revolting and hateful, except\r\ngroaning and tears. For in those alone found I a little refreshment. But\r\nwhen my soul was withdrawn from them a huge load of misery weighed\r\nme down. To Thee, O Lord, it ought to have been raised, for Thee to\r\nlighten; I knew it; but neither could nor would; the more, since, when I\r\nthought of Thee, Thou wert not to me any solid or substantial thing. For\r\nThou wert not Thyself, but a mere phantom, and my error was my God. If\r\nI offered to discharge my load thereon, that it might rest, it glided\r\nthrough the void, and came rushing down again on me; and I had remained\r\nto myself a hapless spot, where I could neither be, nor be from thence.\r\nFor whither should my heart flee from my heart? Whither should I\r\nflee from myself? Whither not follow myself? And yet I fled out of my\r\ncountry; for so should mine eyes less look for him, where they were not\r\nwont to see him. And thus from Thagaste, I came to Carthage.\r\n\r\nTimes lose no time; nor do they roll idly by; through our senses they\r\nwork strange operations on the mind. Behold, they went and came day by\r\nday, and by coming and going, introduced into my mind other imaginations\r\nand other remembrances; and little by little patched me up again with my\r\nold kind of delights, unto which that my sorrow gave way. And yet there\r\nsucceeded, not indeed other griefs, yet the causes of other griefs. For\r\nwhence had that former grief so easily reached my very inmost soul, but\r\nthat I had poured out my soul upon the dust, in loving one that must\r\ndie, as if he would never die? For what restored and refreshed me\r\nchiefly was the solaces of other friends, with whom I did love, what\r\ninstead of Thee I loved; and this was a great fable, and protracted lie,\r\nby whose adulterous stimulus, our soul, which lay itching in our ears,\r\nwas being defiled. But that fable would not die to me, so oft as any of\r\nmy friends died."},"relationships":[{"peer":"01KJR8NK5DAD726FMQ6JCHGZ5R","peer_label":"confessions","peer_type":"text","predicate":"derived_from"},{"peer":"01KJR8M0JHPZXCPKJ34HTYXSWW","peer_type":"collection","predicate":"collection"},{"peer":"01KJR8R5GBBKHE5BDTH00JWXC9","peer_label":"the narrators friend","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"person","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:54:59.806Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8R5G6YBRPPRB9G7VTNAFB","peer_label":"the narrator","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"person","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:54:59.806Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8R5FVBNCGET7R1AXXKYHW","peer_label":"baptism","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"sacrament","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:54:59.806Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8R5MSJVHHAX1ANXFKJV56","peer_label":"grief","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"emotion","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:54:59.806Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8R5KQSA5TS3ED9MT410DH","peer_label":"fever","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"illness","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:54:59.806Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8R68QME2YWRYV3RQX7E2A","peer_label":"pylades","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"mythological_figure","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:54:59.806Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8R5M8VXDW8Z6YHQTCPK14","peer_label":"god","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"divine_being","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:54:59.806Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8R63A5EHN054WHQKVX4ZN","peer_label":"death","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"concept","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:54:59.806Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8R65CTVJEQ45CRC0KP9TD","peer_label":"friendship of perishable things","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"philosophical_concept","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:54:59.806Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8R6BS5Z77TG91PAH7STDR","peer_label":"orestes","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"mythological_figure","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:54:59.806Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8R6AJ4HSDN1TJ34CHPH7J","peer_label":"carthage","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"city","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:54:59.806Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8R6MXBB77VJ5764909QAM","peer_label":"time","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"entity","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:54:59.806Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8R647R7GTK9VSWS6T3W9W","peer_label":"thagaste","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"city","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:54:59.806Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8R6S5R5XAKGAEJ95PWJJV","peer_label":"the narrators grief","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"entity","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:54:59.806Z"}},{"peer":"01KJR8R6QAD11VWX7QYGNXTGXX","peer_label":"the narrators soul","predicate":"extracted_entity","properties":{"entity_type":"spiritual_component","extracted_at":"2026-03-02T21:54:59.806Z"}}],"ver":2,"created_at":"2026-03-02T21:54:24.711Z","ts":"2026-03-02T21:55:00.881Z","edited_by":{"method":"system","user_id":"01KJ60XQBHJ0GBGTP9X8HXAPPM"}}