{"id":"01KJR8Q69Y0YXKBGEYWPCBZ2DP","cid":"bafkreieavcoycvzg6n7cr7p4ioyoqj47rgiqbwroomfdcnzeqe2crediha","type":"text_chunk","properties":{"char_end":57496,"char_start":49540,"chunk_index":7,"chunk_total":89,"estimated_tokens":1989,"source_file_key":"confessions","text":"there, that I should be gratuitously evil, having no temptation to ill,\r\nbut the ill itself. It was foul, and I loved it; I loved to perish,\r\nI loved mine own fault, not that for which I was faulty, but my fault\r\nitself. Foul soul, falling from Thy firmament to utter destruction; not\r\nseeking aught through the shame, but the shame itself!\r\n\r\nFor there is an attractiveness in beautiful bodies, in gold and silver,\r\nand all things; and in bodily touch, sympathy hath much influence, and\r\neach other sense hath his proper object answerably tempered. Worldy\r\nhonour hath also its grace, and the power of overcoming, and of mastery;\r\nwhence springs also the thirst of revenge. But yet, to obtain all these,\r\nwe may not depart from Thee, O Lord, nor decline from Thy law. The life\r\nalso which here we live hath its own enchantment, through a certain\r\nproportion of its own, and a correspondence with all things beautiful\r\nhere below. Human friendship also is endeared with a sweet tie, by\r\nreason of the unity formed of many souls. Upon occasion of all these,\r\nand the like, is sin committed, while through an immoderate inclination\r\ntowards these goods of the lowest order, the better and higher are\r\nforsaken,--Thou, our Lord God, Thy truth, and Thy law. For these lower\r\nthings have their delights, but not like my God, who made all things;\r\nfor in Him doth the righteous delight, and He is the joy of the upright\r\nin heart.\r\n\r\nWhen, then, we ask why a crime was done, we believe it not, unless it\r\nappear that there might have been some desire of obtaining some of those\r\nwhich we called lower goods, or a fear of losing them. For they are\r\nbeautiful and comely; although compared with those higher and beatific\r\ngoods, they be abject and low. A man hath murdered another; why? he\r\nloved his wife or his estate; or would rob for his own livelihood; or\r\nfeared to lose some such things by him; or, wronged, was on fire to be\r\nrevenged. Would any commit murder upon no cause, delighted simply in\r\nmurdering? who would believe it? for as for that furious and savage man,\r\nof whom it is said that he was gratuitously evil and cruel, yet is the\r\ncause assigned; \"lest\" (saith he) \"through idleness hand or heart should\r\ngrow inactive.\" And to what end? that, through that practice of guilt,\r\nhe might, having taken the city, attain to honours, empire, riches, and\r\nbe freed from fear of the laws, and his embarrassments from domestic\r\nneeds, and consciousness of villainies. So then, not even Catiline\r\nhimself loved his own villainies, but something else, for whose sake he\r\ndid them.\r\n\r\nWhat then did wretched I so love in thee, thou theft of mine, thou deed\r\nof darkness, in that sixteenth year of my age? Lovely thou wert not,\r\nbecause thou wert theft. But art thou any thing, that thus I speak to\r\nthee? Fair were the pears we stole, because they were Thy creation, Thou\r\nfairest of all, Creator of all, Thou good God; God, the sovereign good\r\nand my true good. Fair were those pears, but not them did my wretched\r\nsoul desire; for I had store of better, and those I gathered, only that\r\nI might steal. For, when gathered, I flung them away, my only feast\r\ntherein being my own sin, which I was pleased to enjoy. For if aught\r\nof those pears came within my mouth, what sweetened it was the sin.\r\nAnd now, O Lord my God, I enquire what in that theft delighted me; and\r\nbehold it hath no loveliness; I mean not such loveliness as in justice\r\nand wisdom; nor such as is in the mind and memory, and senses, and\r\nanimal life of man; nor yet as the stars are glorious and beautiful in\r\ntheir orbs; or the earth, or sea, full of embryo-life, replacing by its\r\nbirth that which decayeth; nay, nor even that false and shadowy beauty\r\nwhich belongeth to deceiving vices.\r\n\r\nFor so doth pride imitate exaltedness; whereas Thou alone art God\r\nexalted over all. Ambition, what seeks it, but honours and glory?\r\nwhereas Thou alone art to be honoured above all, and glorious for\r\nevermore. The cruelty of the great would fain be feared; but who is\r\nto be feared but God alone, out of whose power what can be wrested or\r\nwithdrawn? when, or where, or whither, or by whom? The tendernesses of\r\nthe wanton would fain be counted love: yet is nothing more tender than\r\nThy charity; nor is aught loved more healthfully than that Thy truth,\r\nbright and beautiful above all. Curiosity makes semblance of a desire\r\nof knowledge; whereas Thou supremely knowest all. Yea, ignorance\r\nand foolishness itself is cloaked under the name of simplicity and\r\nuninjuriousness; because nothing is found more single than Thee: and\r\nwhat less injurious, since they are his own works which injure the\r\nsinner? Yea, sloth would fain be at rest; but what stable rest besides\r\nthe Lord? Luxury affects to be called plenty and abundance; but Thou art\r\nthe fulness and never-failing plenteousness of incorruptible pleasures.\r\nProdigality presents a shadow of liberality: but Thou art the most\r\noverflowing Giver of all good. Covetousness would possess many things;\r\nand Thou possessest all things. Envy disputes for excellency: what more\r\nexcellent than Thou? Anger seeks revenge: who revenges more justly\r\nthan Thou? Fear startles at things unwonted and sudden, which endangers\r\nthings beloved, and takes forethought for their safety; but to Thee what\r\nunwonted or sudden, or who separateth from Thee what Thou lovest? Or\r\nwhere but with Thee is unshaken safety? Grief pines away for things\r\nlost, the delight of its desires; because it would have nothing taken\r\nfrom it, as nothing can from Thee.\r\n\r\nThus doth the soul commit fornication, when she turns from Thee, seeking\r\nwithout Thee, what she findeth not pure and untainted, till she returns\r\nto Thee. Thus all pervertedly imitate Thee, who remove far from Thee,\r\nand lift themselves up against Thee. But even by thus imitating Thee,\r\nthey imply Thee to be the Creator of all nature; whence there is no\r\nplace whither altogether to retire from Thee. What then did I love in\r\nthat theft? and wherein did I even corruptly and pervertedly imitate my\r\nLord? Did I wish even by stealth to do contrary to Thy law, because\r\nby power I could not, so that being a prisoner, I might mimic a maimed\r\nliberty by doing with impunity things unpermitted me, a darkened\r\nlikeness of Thy Omnipotency? Behold, Thy servant, fleeing from his Lord,\r\nand obtaining a shadow. O rottenness, O monstrousness of life, and depth\r\nof death! could I like what I might not, only because I might not?\r\n\r\nWhat shall I render unto the Lord, that, whilst my memory recalls these\r\nthings, my soul is not affrighted at them? I will love Thee, O Lord,\r\nand thank Thee, and confess unto Thy name; because Thou hast forgiven me\r\nthese so great and heinous deeds of mine. To Thy grace I ascribe it, and\r\nto Thy mercy, that Thou hast melted away my sins as it were ice. To Thy\r\ngrace I ascribe also whatsoever I have not done of evil; for what might\r\nI not have done, who even loved a sin for its own sake? Yea, all I\r\nconfess to have been forgiven me; both what evils I committed by my own\r\nwilfulness, and what by Thy guidance I committed not. What man is\r\nhe, who, weighing his own infirmity, dares to ascribe his purity and\r\ninnocency to his own strength; that so he should love Thee the less, as\r\nif he had less needed Thy mercy, whereby Thou remittest sins to those\r\nthat turn to Thee? For whosoever, called by Thee, followed Thy voice,\r\nand avoided those things which he reads me recalling and confessing\r\nof myself, let him not scorn me, who being sick, was cured by that\r\nPhysician, through whose aid it was that he was not, or rather was less,\r\nsick: and for this let him love Thee as much, yea and more; since by\r\nwhom he sees me to have been recovered from such deep consumption of\r\nsin, by Him he sees himself to have been from the like consumption of\r\nsin preserved.\r\n\r\nWhat fruit had I then (wretched man!) in those things, of the\r\nremembrance whereof I am now 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